Out of my Mind and into my Heart
My book of life has had some challenging chapters at times. If I had to narrow it down to one root cause, for me, it's a malfunction in thinking. It's a lack of listening to my heart.
You see thoughts rush into my mind like a roller coaster who's off switch is seemingly broken. The positive piece is that I sometimes come up with brilliant ideas and imaginations galore. The negative piece is that my mind won't turn off long enough to release the ideas.
Instead of expressing the thoughts freely like I watch some of my peers do, I continue to think:
Should I share this? Is this appropriate? Is it dumb?
If I say this, they'll react with that, and then what will I do?
If I say that, and they think it's stupid, that's going to hurt!
And so the roller coaster proceeds with the highs and the lows. All the while keeping it all bottled within.
After a low that lasted for years, I put my hands up and surrender. I enter a self-help group called AA and they tell me that my 'stinkin thinkin' will get me into trouble. They tell me that some of the smartest people don't make it in recovery because they overthink it. So for once in my life I decided to trust and do something different and it worked.
Feeling victorious for the first time in ages, I push on. But then I run into the same issue again and again. I thought I won this battle but here it is again.
I'm afraid to be speak up at my new job.
I'm afraid to socialize at the gym.
I'm afraid to tell people about my passions.
I'm afraid of what other's will think.
Here I am, sober now, and feeling some peace. But I still have very few friends. I still feel a deep sadness at times. Something is still missing.
A Life Coach makes his way into my life, and he tells me that I need to remember the truth of who I am. He tells me that I need to listen to my Spirit. He's right and I take action. I make massive amounts of progress, followed by more huge hurdles. A fiance makes her way into my life, and she tells me that I think too much, and that it'd help to listen to my intuition. She's right and I take action. I feel the relief of owning that truth, but what do you think comes next? More pain.
A healer comes into my life and tells me that I have a great Light to share, but before I can do that, I must get out of my head and into my heart.
Continuing to practice the language of the heart. The universal language that I ignored for far too long.
It's amazing how the same lessons continue to come up in life until we've fully learned them. I thought I learned this lesson in early sobriety. I may have learned it conceptually. But I didn't fully own it. I didn't fully embrace it. I didn't fully embody it.
You can know yourself as kind, but unless you do some kindness for someone, it's nothing but an idea in your mind.
I'm at a pivotal time in my life. It's a time where I feel free to be myself more than ever before. It's a time where my levels of peace and confidence are at an all time high. It's a time where I am breaking through.
Am I healed? Is this finally it? Ehh probably not. There's more work to be done. And that's okay. Because I'm grateful for where I am today. For in this moment right now, I am out of my head, and into my heart...